A note to our Christmas Burgers

PS:

I began writing this on the evening of December 17 and on the morning of December 18 I posted it on my Facebook wall with some input from some friends). Within hours it surprisingly went viral. I am glad people found it hilarious. I am also used to people not acknowledging literary works around here so I no bore….lol. It’s Christmas so let’s share and love and laugh.

(Now here goes)

A friendly note to the burgers, burgresses, init people, Yankee people and all visitors landing in Ghana in December and most likely departing in January;

1. Please here we have dumsor. Depending on where you stay you may have more dum than sor or more sor than dum. Please don’t remind us that in Yankee and in Lenden you don’t have dumsor. We already know.

2. Please the prices of kyinkyinga have generally not changed. However the size of the meat has reduced paaa. If it was like the stomach of Master Richard from Taxi Driver it is now like Lil Win. Chew it like that or shut up.

3. Please we we know we have lots of potholes on almost every road in Ghana. Stop complaining when your taxi or ride bumps into some. It won’t break the bones in your bortos.

4. Please we know that $1 will get you GHS3 and £1 will get you GHS5 and coins. Don’t come and rub it in. Some of us our fuses are as short as Solomon Asante.

5. Please we know that most of you can speak English like we do without the ‘arishishrish kontonmire’ nonsense. Don’t disturb our already tired ears. Speak Ghana English. We won’t be impressed.

6. Please, Accra has also developed some. Don’t come here expressing suprise like you are some American villager from somewhere around a village in Texas visiting ‘the motherland’. Since the last time you came Airport City has changed paaa. We now also have the malls some. Marina Mall, Junction Mall, West Hills Mall, Osu Mall, and nice nice high rise apartments. We know we can’t afford to buy them but and so what? After all they are in Ghana.

7. Please the boys, don’t come and take our girls. They naaaa they are not enough for us. The girls too….no the girls you can come and perch with some of the boys. We no bore.

8. Please, virtually every car on Queens Road in London and downtown in Manhattan can also be found here so please spare us that suprise too. Yes we know that some of the flashy cars are driven by sakawa boys but we no bore.

9. Please if you are bringing gifts bring proper gifts and stop the chocolates that you have been bringing. Why have you forgotten that Ghana is the global home for cocoa?

10. Please Ghana Police still say “Massa we dey here for you oooo” and they have increased their rates too. And for Christmas they even have special rates. If you are from Abrokyire you pay special rates too. Since you left it has become a crime to speak on the phones whiles driving….just like in Lenden, init? Don’t get caught oòoo. Yooooo (with input from Alexander Osei Gyasi)

11. Please, you all have apps on your phone that tells you the temperature in Ghana and it was same before you left so stop it already with the ‘Damn Ghana is hot’ nonsense. Get use to it (Samuel Fahren Otoo)

12. Please do bear in mind that here we like to dress up even if we don’t have money! We ‘spote’ even to funerals. So check yourself and bring some decent clothes so you don’t look odd at special events (Brigitte Dzogbenuku)

13. Please dont ask us with a frown a hundred times about how it is like to live in Ghana and how you could never do that. You asked us last year and the year before. It has gotten old (Araba Akompi)

14. Please if your flight has not notified you and you also don’t follow Ghana news, lemme tell you Kumasi airport has gone international, so those from Ashanti, Bono and Ahafo can now fly straight from Pearson, JFK, Schipol, Heathrow or Gatwick to Oseikrom (Kofi Antwi)

15. Please, and yes, we already know you may not be able to account for the GHS after melting your €£$; don’t keep asking us how we survive; kpakpakpa movement is allowed here (Original Yemofio)

16. Please don’t forget ur malaria prophylaxis else ur gluteus muscle will have to bear the pain of artemether in a G25 needle without an analgesic; ur only consolation will be ” sorry 3y3 wo ya? Kafra.. Kafra.. 3b3 k) wai” (Dennis Denis Adjei Adjetey)

17. Please we beg u guys must not go round buying 1p panties i mean g strings for us wen there are sales,there r shops wit quality ,”dross” here or better still we go manage wit the Togolese ones.-(Gh girls abre ne sales nne3ma)And hey;the word is HELLO not HELEYI.Dnt be walking around holding bottled water we all drink some.”Sha_i_zeh”, init and yah must be left der b4 coming (Obaa Cee)

18. Please I shall let my friends here on Facebook add some more….I have low battery.

Merry Christmas!

My name is Kwame Gyan.

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